As a child I remember scouring the shelves. Delving deep into the closets, boxes and trunks. I was always searching for something. Something that would tell the story of who I was and where I came from. Something that would help “all-of-this” make sense. I wanted stories of my past, of the past leading up to me and mostly I just wanted to find the secret. The secret that would unlock it all.
One day I found a baby book. It had a couple of notes in it but was mostly empty. I thought that this book had been my chance but that now I would never know. I felt keenly the loss of understanding. The missed opportunity. This empty book represented all that would be lost from me.
When I became a mother I wanted to give my children this understanding. To gift them with that something special that I never had. Each of my children have their own special book. These books tell a story and the story is that of their lives. I also am beginning a different kind of book. I will be asking my mother to write down the memories of her childhood, of her parents and her grandparents.
We need to preserve this history to pass down. If we do not do this it will be lost forever. I do not want my children to piece together an incomplete past the way that I have. I feel that the past is so important in understanding the present but that so much is lost. So much understanding is lost.
Its that time again – Here we have come full circle once again to another Thanksgiving.
This has been an insanely busy year for me. As much as I love all of the people and thing in my life it is not very often that I get much time to reflect upon that which I am thankful for.
I do often think in spare moments that I am thankful for my Home, my family, my husband, and my boys. But these moments are fleeting and overwhelmed by the hectic flow of my life. Today I would truly like to take some time to pause and reflect upon the people and things which I am thankful for. I am working om creating a list on pinterest for some of these things.
Only a couple of weeks before the day. We are moving into the time where the baby can come any week or any day. Time is going fast and so I know he will be here in the blink of an eye.
I am so excited at this point to hold him, nurse him, rock him, and love him. However, I am not without total concern. I am worried that Tristan may be jealous of his baby brother. I really want him to have a positive relationship/ experience with his baby brother and also with being a big brother. I have no doubt that he will be an amazing big brother because he is a kind and affectionate kid. I just want him to be happy, after all he is my heart.
It also seems so strange to me that I am going to have another baby who I will love just as much. It doesn’t even seem possible to fit that much love into one place, but I trust that it is possible and that it will happen.
I thought I would never get married. I am not sure why I have never envisioned myself bonded in this particular fashion.
When I was a child I believed that I was going to be a Nun, a Monk, or a Hermit. I believed that I would have minimal human contact and I certainly believed that I would never be with a man
Once puberty hit it became clear to me that I did indeed like men. I was still unsure as to if I wanted to be with a man though. I still believed that I would rather remain alone. I knew I wanted children and I even knew what I wanted to name my first born which would be a son.
I always knew what I wanted from life. I knew that I wanted to be an artist and a mother, but a man was never in the equation.
This is why I am surprising myself now. Am I reassessing what I would like from life ? Is my vision changing? Is this something that was hidden from me before? I know when I imagine our future I am happy and this is a future I have never seen before.
I have somehow despite my recent illness, been able to accomplish some of the things on my list.
I recently cleaned and reorganized the studio (pics to come)! and have also planted one of the beds in the backyard (more pics to come). All of this and I have also found some time to redo the graphics on my site. I have rounded all the little corners on my buttons and what not.
After cleaning my space last night I realized how good it feels to have that space clean. It feels like I can reorganize my thoughts. I have separated all my art into categories and spatially separated them within the layout of the room.
I have a flower wall, a gator wall, a southern history wall, and a personal history wall. This way I can look at one wall and see only that work and focus on the subject which I choose.
I feel inspired by my clean space. I believe I will go home tonight and make some art.
So…. I have reopened my Etsy site. Immediately upon opening the site again I was invited to come sell my wares at railroad sq this friday. However, this would be cutting it a little close. I am not sure if I am ready or willing to commit to such a thing on such short notice. It is exciting though. I wish that there were more hours in a day, or that I never had to sleep, or that there were three of me . Being a mom with two jobs leaves me little time to do those extra things that I wish could do. I have created the following list of things I wish I could make some time for in the near future.
1) Taking quality photos of all my art – especially the recent stuff
2) Posting it on my website
3)Taking quality photos of all my crafts
4)Posting them on Etsy
5)Redoing the back beds around the back porch, planting some summer veggies and some herbs.
6)Raking the yard
7) Finally getting all that laundry done
8)Reorganizing the studio and doing a “Deep Clean”
9)Going through ALL of the old clothes and getting rid of the bulk
10)Making more books
11)Finally finishing that gator head!
12)Taking me and my son to the dentist!
I made my first ever animated GIF and I love it. I think I am going to go into the Florida Archives and grab more photos to animate. It seems like a great way to bring the past back to life.
click on the gator to view the animation in all its glory.
WHY DO WE MAKE ART.
I have decided it can be boiled down to two very basic human impulses: The desire to communicate, The desire to create. These two impulses have served us well. When you combine them you make art. The desire to create is an essential desire. It allows us to propagate our species, to leave something of ourselves behind, and to live beyond our times. This is what we all wish. The desire to communicate is an essential human desire. We are social and function in a collective. Communication is necessary.
As long as I can rememeber I have had these desires but until now have not known why. I do not know why or if I believe it to be important. It is important to me. I know that it is important to many others. I think that may just be enough. Art is communication. It can communicate, much like music, an “essence”. The thing that eludes words. It is essence which moves us, incites us to feel and exalts us. Is this important? Maybe?
I have been working with a friend to make art about the land we love and the land that we feel intrinsically connected with. This is florida. This is our swampy homes. The marshes and the heat our a dangerous comfort. We realize they are beautiful, powerful, and hungry. This is out mother. We are giving reverence to our childhood, our home, our past.